28JUL
In sports, they say success is contagious. They just may be right on that one as success seems to be sweeping through the Express pitching staff like gonorrhea at a Tess family reunion. Todd Nabor and Tim Schafer have been lights out as of late and have played a major role in the successes of the squad. For their play in recent weeks both of them are invited to join me in the corner booth.
The duo has dominated opponents lately as both have dealt like Johnny Chan in a backroom hold em game. Nabor fanned 13 Laker hitters while Schafer anded out eight seats to the bench ride. Well done fellas, drinks are on me.
Ryan Kehl came come visit me in the corner booth after his December birthday. Kehl was unconscious at the plate this weekend as he had four hits and reached base damn near every time he walked to the plate. Kehl drove in two runs in game one, earning himself a trip to the corner booth after his impending 21st birthday. Hope you didn’t get any splinters from sleeping with your bat last night Ryan, that shit can be dangerous.
Tim Salopeck can join me in the booth, the buck bottles of Blatz are on me my friend. Sally nearly hit for the cycle on the day as e belted a gigantic bomb, laced a triple and ad three singles on the adventurous afternoon. For your hot stick at the plate you better come join me, I need some of tat success to make its way over to me.
Sammy Bresler can come have a drink with me this week as he stared certain death in the eyes and refused to blink. Bresler nearly tangled with a bear and was able to walk away unscathed. For being in the wrong place at the wrong time I am buying you a drink Sammy. You are still an ass though. Ah, but so am I my friend, so am I.
Jeb Loth can join me in the corner booth, but you are buying my friend. Loth was ejected from the second contest against
Jeff Tess is invited to the booth as his first inning homerun lands him in a tie with Andy Balgord in the boot bet. With three games to play and Balgord unable to elevate the damn ball Tess might have insured himself of at least a wash in the bet, well done asshole. You are buying. Way to use the shortest part of the field to get he job done. Why not hit a majestic bomb like Sally? Dick.
Andy Balgord is invited to the corner booth. With the announcement of his impending retirement Balgord will join Brett Favre in the limbo of athletes who may have quit too early. Balgord still fills his position well enough to stick around for another season or two, but the round one seems too frustrated with too many things to hold on to the Sunday Fundays. For hanging up the spikes too early and for already having the itch to come back you are buying us all drinks. The Express have already made plans for the future and you are not part of them Brett, I mean Andy. Time to move on.
Great job this weekend guys, you all have a drink coming on me.
08JUL
Wow. That’s pretty much all a person can say about the instant classic between the Express and Waterford Saturday. What a great game to be involved with as each team played extremely well, both pitchers threw their hearts out and either squad could have ended up with the win in the end. Of course, the victory went to the Rivermen, but not for lack of effort by East Troy. For having been involved in such a great game I think I need to send some invitations out to the corner booth. Wow.
The Rivermen are all invited to join me for a few drinks. The dynasty they have worked so hard to create has lasted for nearly a decade despite the best efforts of the other teams in the league to dethrone the champions. The Rivermen have kept classy throughout the winning years, they are mostly a pleasure to play against despite their dominance. For their class, and their winning ways, the Rivermen are invited to join me for some drinks. Except for Bart of course; his wife will be there and that would be awkward for me. I hate awkward. Sorry Bart, some other time.
Tim Schafer is invited to the corner booth for his fantastic performance on the mound Saturday against Waterford. Schafer held the potent Rivermen offense to three runs on seven hits and kept his squad in the hunt for a big victory. A hit or two in a key situation for the Express and Schafer comes away with the win. For your stunning performance you are invited to the Corner Booth Tim. I will buy you a few rounds for the effort on the mound. Oh, but wait Tim, just wait.
Todd Nabor is also invited to join me for his outstanding performance against Delavan in their annual hosting of the July 4th contest. Nabor gave up a three run bomb in the very first inning but settled in nicely to control the Blackhawk lineup the rest of the way. Nabor looked solid throughout his nine innings of work and may very well have shut the Blackhawks out if not for an error in the first and one wrong pitch to Newenheis. Oh well, great win Todd. Nabor also joined the team for a few beers for the first damn time ever following the Waterford game. Nabor got his drunk on and was escorted off the premises by his girl Wendy, who had to threaten to withhold the sex from him if he didn’t get into the car. Nabor went, unhappily of course and with a good shine on. It was nice to see.
Crysta Wolter is hereby invited to the Corner Booth for her wonderful party hosting skills. Crysta held the second annual Sweatsfest afloat with some fine cooking and great hostess moves. Adam on the other hand, threatened to ruin the evening for everyone when he started holding people down and forcing Jeager bombs down their throats. Everyone except Nabor that is because Todd was doing them willingly; I would have liked to see that happen though. Ok fine, Adam can come have a few drinks on me too for his great deep fried turkey; anyone knows the way to a writer’s heart is through his stomach, especially mine. Thanks friends for the hospitality and for paying for the fight, we all had fun, Nabor more than others. Crysta will have all of her drinks on me for the indefinite future, both for hosting a great party and for thinking I am hot and funny. Thanks for that.
Anyone who knows me is aware than I am a truly deep and complicated individual. People who know me are also aware of my patriotic nature. I love this country and everything it stands for. I’d like to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who ever had a part in making this country what it is, free, welcoming and understanding of differing viewpoints. People like my father, my brother, Tim Salopeck, Tim Schafer, Ryan Chase and all of the countless others who sacrificed so much to make this the home of the free and the land of the brave through your honorable service. All of you are invited to the corner booth my friends, drinks are on Sammy because I am simply a poor writer and I know there are a whole lot of people to thank for my freedoms, especially the freedom I enjoy every day that I write. Without men and women sacrificing their lives and their safety we wouldn’t be having this interaction right now. For all of your efforts, everyone out there, I thank you.
As long as we are being deep and emotional here I would like to take a moment and acknowledge a friend of mine for his possession of strength and courage that far surpasses anything I have encountered in anyone other than my own mother. I speak of none other than my dear friend Brad Mysliwski, better known to many of you as Nubbinz. The Nub has been engrossed in a frightening battle against cancer for the better part of three years and has truly stayed the course of who he is as a man despite the trials and hardships he has endured. We have watched him shrivel away until he became the chicken legged man he is today but have lost little of who Brad was before the cancer set its cowardly claws into him. Brad has remained as positive and upbeat as can be expected in his situation, has retained his duties coaching first base and has continued to piss me off like he has for the past 20 god damn years. What an asshole. Anyway, I hope we all understand what kind of little man he is, and I hope he understands that we are all there for him no matter what he might need. Brad, if there were a way to transplant some of my ass fat into your body please know that I would head to the DMV and get that donor sticker as fast as a Volkswagen could take me. Come join me in the corner booth my friend, I’m buying drinks and a pizza. I’ll be eating the pizza of course. Kira can come too. Kira, thank you for staying as solid a girlfriend as anyone ever could be. My friend is very lucky to have you. Now, let’s make out.
That’s enough of the positive sappy crap. Let’s get down to the boneheaded jerk offs who will be buying us all drinks for their stupid plays this week.
Tim Schafer, come on down. Let me preface this invitation with a quick look at the MLB rule book, particularly rule 8.05 section D which reads as follows: A balk will be called if and when the pitcher, while touching his plate, throws, or feints a throw to an unoccupied base, except for the purpose of making a play. It is quite obvious that Schafer missed baseball practice the day they went over this rule as he attempted to pick off a runner at first base in the game against Waterford. A runner that was, surprisingly enough, not there. As I watched the play unfold I instantly thought Balgord was at fault for not holding on a runner. What a dickhead I thought, Schafer would never try to pick a guy off that wasn’t there; this must have been the rotund one’s fault. But alas for Schafer, it was his own mistake that nearly undid all of the great things he had accomplished on the mound that day. Perhaps the mistake can be contributed to his lack of sleep, perhaps he had a little too much to drink that morning or maybe the sun got in his eyes and he couldn’t see the lack of a runner at first. Any way you go about slicing it, he looked pretty silly. For trying to pick off the Waterford ghostie runner Tim Schafer will be buying drinks all night. What a jerk.
I’d like to tentatively invite the fucking carnival worker who completely ruined a perfectly wonderful conversation I was having Sunday night at Sammy’s Place. As I sat next to a stunningly beautiful woman talking about cities afar, this old bastard decides he is going to charm her right out from under me. While I obviously had no chance with getting to know this woman any better it still sucked to be out smoothed by a fucking carnie of all people. What a dick. This old son of a bitch had three teeth and spoke what I suppose would pass for English in Montana or something and he still took her attention away from yours truly. For throwing an entirely effective cock block that carnie is invited to the corner booth where I will relieve him of his final three teeth.
Well folks, that’s it for this week, I think I have wasted enough of my employer’s time today on my ranting. I hope that you enjoyed this week’s issue and feel free to post any comments you might have on the Expressbook. Hope you all had a great 4th of July!
24JUN
Never in my life have I played witness to something as gay as the site at the Amusement Park Sunday. As I sat and watched, the East Troy Express took their best round of infield warm-ups in years as they prepared for the afternoons games. Games that would never transpire as Coach Tim Wenzel was informed just an hour before the first pitch was to be thrown that Farmington would forfeit both contests. The Braves would not be able to field a team against the Express as they could scrape together only eight players. What a load of bullshit.
I’ve been a sports fan my entire life and I cannot remember once in organized sport where a team refused to show up. Sure, Farmington was clearly outmatched but what the hell? I understand the Braves are in the process of rebuilding their team, but 90 percent of the rebuilding process is playing games and taking your lumps in an effort to build your skills and your team unity. Not playing games gets you nowhere fellas, grow up, stand by your commitments and have some pride in the uniform you wear every Sunday even if you don’t win games. What a disgrace to the Land O Lakes to not even show up. Your inability to find nine guys cost another team quite a bit of revenue, and a lot of effort. The concession stand was fully stocked, brats were cooked and umpires were on their way. The field looked like a professional ball diamond as Tim Wenzel spent extra time getting it ready for the last home game for a while. The weather was the best we have had all summer. The stage was set for a great afternoon of entertaining baseball. Well, except for the visiting team that is.
Obviously here, the Farmington squad will be invited to join me in the corner booth, if they can find nine guys to make the trip. You are responsible for drinks all night and while you are at it, why not mop the floor and clean the bathrooms? You are obviously not a baseball team; maybe you guys could become professional cleaners for the day and work off some of the lost revenue the Express incurred through your no show. Pitiful.
Ron Robran of Al Smith’s Saloon has a few drinks coming on me as he provided spirits at half off as though the Express had actually played baseball and won Sunday. That’s a great baseball supporter my friends, I spent much of my free afternoon enjoying his establishment. Thanks Ron, join me in the corner booth, I’m buying drinks.
In an effort to get the Express their deserved all star representatives I would like to invite the managers of all Southwest division teams to have a drink with me in the corner booth. I’m buying, but only if it results in favorable votes for the Express. Players like Todd Nabor and Justin Keegan are most likely in for the midsummer classic, but the Express have a few guys on the bubble that might benefit from my bribing of the opposing managers. Jeff Tess, Tim Schafer and the surprising Jimmy Tontillo are all on the bubble and will need some favorable votes to make the show. I’m betting a few drinks might lubricate the wheels there. It’s worth a shot anyway.
I’m buying drinks for the fans of the Express once more as several of you decided to come up to the park and hang out despite the lack of entertainment. Having you guys around is what makes the season worth playing, the wins are great but bullshitting with the fans after the games is what makes playing Lakes ball so much fun. Maybe you guys in Farmington should remember that much. Thanks for hanging around and sucking down some beers, it’s much appreciated.
Really, this week’s corner booth is pretty bare as there were no games over the weekend to have anybody do anything good or bad. I think however, that I’d like to backtrack here and invite a few guys from Burlington to the corner booth. As the Express swept the Barons tempers flared and words were tossed around. Kurt Wenzel seemed to rub several of the Baron players the wrong way and they voiced their opinions about him. Get used to it guys, that’s Kurt for you. Show some class and take it in stride, getting excited for a game is what makes Kurt who he is. If you can’t handle his jawing at you, try to buzz his tower. But be prepared for Nabor putting one in someone’s ear hole. Come join me in the corner booth, you guys are buying. Maybe you’ll see Kurt again in the playoffs, maybe.
Well folks, that’s it. I’m sure some people won’t like this issue of my column but I really don’t give half a shit. Show up to your games and you’ll avoid the wrath of scribes everywhere.
-Adler
17JUN
Sometimes shit just goes wrong. I learned that yesterday morning as I watched the front end of my Explorer blow up into a thousand shards of super expensive plastic. I also learned however that sometimes things go right, or right enough at least as I didn’t die. Things have been going right for the Express, or at least right enough to this point.
Things went very well for Tim Shaefer Sunday as he pitched a beauty in the Express win over Burlington. Shaefer, I hereby invite you to join me in the corner booth for a drink as your 14 strikeout performance had the Barons looking foolish at times. You shut down a team that has met with some success in their first season in the Southwest. How do you only allow two hits to a team that was in contention for a top playoff spot? By throwing some silly strikes is how. Well done Shaefer, way to not allow an earned run and keep the Express train rolling. Drinks are one me.
Ryan Kehl has a soda coming as he stepped in admirably and did a great job catching agsinst Burlington. With Jeb Loth and Tim Salopeck gone Kehl was the only option as a backstop for East Troy and he fared well as he called a great game and met with success at the plate. Well done Ryan, join me in the corner booth, pixie sticks and kool aid are on me.
Timmy Wenzel gets an invitation to join me in the corner booth this week as the skipper has guided his team to a 7-2 start and a tie for second place with North Prairie. Wenzel has made almost all of the right decisions this year including moving limp wristed Jeff Tess to second base to make way for the younger and more talented Jory Tess at shortstop. Somehow, Timmy knows just how to get the best out of the ragtag group of players at his disposal. The Express owe the man a debt of gratitude for all the effort he puts in before every home game, from manicuring the infield to striping the foul lines. Wenzel is an asset to any team, and just an ass in general. Come join me for a Manhattan Timmy, they’re on me.
Jan Wenzel can come have a Smirnoff Ice on me as well, the retired gym teacher has found a home in the concession stand between her trysts abroad. Jan has played an integral part in keeping the express train rolling as her concessions are the main source of revenue for the squad. The “soft spoken” Wenzel is often heard rooting on her team or condemning an umpire to hell for a bad call. Thanks for everything you do Jan, drinks are on me.
Adam Wolter, you are invited to have a drink with me in the corner booth. Your three home runs currently lead the Express and you have picked some fine moments to hit those round trippers. I’ll be buying you only one drink though as your three dongs make up more than half of your five hits on the season. Your paltry sub .200 batting average is ridiculous Mr. Deer, or I should say Mr. Branyon for you youngsters. Hit some fucking singles you asshole, leave the power to the big men. You’re buying drinks after the first one.
Kurt Wenzel is the third of his clan to be invited to the corner booth, though Kurt will be buying us all a round for the silly story I heard over the weekend. Getting jacked in the face in the McDonald’s drive through? Who has that happen to them? Come on, really Kurt? Only you my friend, only you. Come join me in the corner booth, you’re buying. Pick me up a cheeseburger or eight on your way in; just be careful, you never know who is behind you.
Jason Fidler please come join me in the corner booth at Sammy’s Place. You, who have titled yourself the Stat Bitch, need a lesson in book keeping. As I tried to wade through your gibberish yesterday while trying to pen my game recap I came to one conclusion. You suck. Come on and join me in the booth, I’ll buy you a drink for keeping the book, but then you are buying for the way you keep the book. Asshole.
Jeff Tess is invited to join me. The veteran was seen before the game challenging his brother to get a hit against Burlington, practically throwing down the brotherly gauntlet to see who would have the better day. Well Jeff, it looks like little Manny won as he finished with a pair of hits while you had how many? Oh, none. That’s right. Now folks, I’m not a math guy but I do know that 2 is better than 0, unless you are talking about golf or sexually transmitted diseases. You know what I mean Jeff. Not only did you lose the matchup against your much younger brother but you also almost pimped a home run ball that landed well short of the left field fence. If you are going to get all of a ball Jeff, make sure it goes over the fence. Come join me in the booth, you are buying the drinks.
CLB can come join me in the corner booth. Who is CLB you ask? Why she was the very nice lady who pulled out into traffic in front of me yesterday and then stopped, causing my Explorer to shatter into tiny pieces. You were very kind CLB, but you suck. Come join me in the booth, you are buying drinks forever. The best part is, since I have no car right now, I won’t have to worry about getting a DUI. Sweet. Asshole.
On a personal note and since Sunday was Father’s Day, I’d like to thank my father for a few things really quick. Thanks dad, for telling me all the things I did wrong while crashing my Explorer. It’s so great that you are an insurance adjuster and I get to be lectured by you about every ding on my car. That’s just swell. Seriously though, thank you for being helpful when I need you, and for finally figuring out that adjustable hats can be adjusted to fit even your round ass head. Finally dad, thank you for lending me your car while mine gets fixed, I know how much you like it. Dad, and all the other legitimate fathers out there, you are invited to the corner booth; I’m buying you a soda.
You know what else is fun folks? Purchasing a 2006 Ford Explorer for the room and comfort that a bigger statured man requires and crashing it. The best part of the deal is forgetting to get rental car coverage and having to borrow your father’s 2007 Volkswagen Bug convertible. Whoever the fuckers were that crafted such a monstrosity should be shot. Those German assholes. So that you know, any and all of you that make fun of me for driving this thing to games will face the wrath of the corner booth. Just because the passenger side tires lift off the ground when I get in doesn’t mean anything. So what if all the thing does is drive around in small circles when I am in it? Fuck you guys ahead of time. Germans. Damn them all to hell.
Well, that’s it folks, thanks for visiting me this week. Make sure to stop in and say hello to Sammy, he needs all the help he can get over there. Adler out.
04JUN It seems I am a week behind in my invitations to the Corner Booth. For this I truly apologize and hope that you all understand that writing is not the easiest of all things to do, especially when one’s head is full of other distractions. I will do my best to make up for the lack of updates last week with one spectacular From the Corner Booth this week. I think it is time to recognize a true team player and invite him for a whole bunch of drinks in the corner booth at Sammy’s Place. Tim Shafer, come on down. The erstwhile left hander bailed on camping with his new chicka over Memorial Day so he could pitch for the Express and help secure a much needed win over Genesee. Shafer tried to come back the following afternoon to pitch against Waterford despite incredible amounts of pain in his throwing arm. For bailing on a girl to play with the guys Shafer is invited to join me in the corner booth. I’m buying drinks for a long time. You’re on your own with the ladies though. Adam Wolter gets to drink for free for handing the Express the chance to get a victory in the first game against North Prairie. The sweat pant wearing young man “blasted” two home runs to account for all of the Express runs in the first contest. For shouldering the offense Sweats is invited to the corner booth, drinks are on me. Tim Wenzel is invited to the corner booth for a few Manhattans as he has guided his rag tag squad to an impressive 6-2 start, landing them in second place with over a third of the season completed. Wenzel has steered his team through a few games that were too close for comfort and has gained many a gray hair for his trouble. Jeff Tess and Justin Keegan are invited to come hang with me in the corner booth as the duo has started the season extremely hot. Tess is hitting well over .440 for the first time since this writer was in high school and Keegan is hitting the hell out of the ball as well. Keep it up fellas, we are going to need you down the stretch. Now JT, quit telling me your average every time I talk to you on the phone. Thanks. The youngsters on the squad are invited to have a soda with me in the corner booth. Jimmy Tontillo, Ryan Kehl and Matt Lang have all filled their roles admirably in their initial years in the Express uniform. Keep up the good work guys, you are the future of the squad, and that future isn’t too far off judging by the looks of the old guys. Speaking of the future of the Express, how about the high school squad? The group of future Express all stars has already won conference and regional titles and is playing for a sectional title as I write this. Not since 1999 has a team met with such success and we all know how many great Express players came out of that class. The future of the Express finally looks bright as the youth is talented and dedicated. Meet me in the corner booth in three or four years fellas, if I’m still alive I’ll buy you all a drink. When a team starts the season 6-2 a lot of things are going right. The squad lost a game it should have won against North Prairie, but played otherwise solid baseball throughout the beginning of the season. Getting smoked by Waterford happens to everyone at times, except Waterford of course. The pitching just wasn’t there that day though the young guys did well to eat up innings. The result won’t be the same the second time through against the Rivermen. For having a good start to the 2008 season the entire team is invited to Sammy’s Place for some drinks. Sammy’s buying! The Fans are all invited as well. Every weekend the squad dons their stinky uniforms to take to the field and try to hold on to their dreams of being professional athletes for the afternoon and you fans seem to love every minute of it. Some more than others but you all seem to have fun. Except Bobby Plo though, but when does that guy ever have fun? I kid, Bobby, way to get a hottie by the way. For being loyal and adoring fans you are all invited to the corner booth. Sammy is surely buying. While this may seem to be a feel good issue of From the Corner Booth it wouldn’t be complete without a few jack asses who will be buying drinks for the rest of us. Again, this is mostly in fun and not intended to ruffle too many feathers so take it lightly. The critics of this god damn website are hereby invited to visit me in the corner booth and buy my hard working, way too much writing ass a drink for having to put up with your criticisms of this not for profit website. I spend too much time in my day job and my second job dealing with assholes to take any flack from you dicks. So, if you have criticisms, please share them in the manner that made America great, but then please eat my ass with a spoon. Buy me a drink and I’ll be fine with it. Maybe. I think I have to take a moment to invite a few of the officials of the Southwest Division to buy me a few drinks as well. Now, don’t get jump to the wrong conclusion here, I’m not saying the officials sometimes leave something to be desired, I am simply saying that sometimes they are just plain bad. I understand that we are all human, a fact that some of the officiating crews out there don’t get. You are going to make mistakes; we are going to get mad. Let it go. We’ll yell for a while but then we’ll move on. Don’t get all pissy because you think you are too good to take a little ribbing. We are human, you’ll make mistakes and the players and fans will get mad at them. Expect to be called an ass when you make one of yourselves. I do. Also, don’t be afraid to ask your partner for help, odds are he might have a tiny bit of an idea as to what just happened on the last play. That’s more than you can say. Come buy me a drink, I’ll have one with you and we’ll talk baseball. Just don’t get mad if I call you a jerk. I won’t get mad if you toss me out of the corner booth. Well folks, that’s about it from the booth. I’ve had enough of pandering to you as an audience, my years spent pursuing a doctorate in journalism are obviously wasted on rabble such as yourselves. I hope you enjoyed the booth this week, see you all Sunday for two. Adler out.
21MAY08
Starting a season 4-0 is difficult, no matter the level of the competition. The Express have done just that however as they dropped Rome 5-1 Sunday. I think it’s time to recognize a few of the main players in the win over the Raiders as well as those who have contributed to the successful start.
Todd Nabor, unsurprisingly, has earned himself a place in the corner booth next to me as he once again dominated opposing hitters as he fanned 11 Raiders in his three hit effort while allowing only a single run. Nabor aided his own cause at the plate as well as he blasted a huge homerun and added another RBI single in his five trips to the dish. Nabor, you beast, you are invited to have a drink with me. Well done, keep up the good work heading into the big weekend.
Jeb Loth can come join me as well as the Elkhorn native blasted a pair of hits in the win over Rome including a ground rule double that nearly turned into a ground rule single. Loth has taken quite the beating behind the plate but has fought through to aid the Express in their fast start. Good work Jeb, I’m buying drinks, I am sure you could use a few.
Tommy Pluess is invited to grab a drink with me this week as well. The cougar chasing little guy has done a decent enough job of filling the second base position and actually made a play on every ball hit his way against Rome. Pluess played his first error free game of the year, grabbing the attention of sportswriters everywhere. Good job Tommy, come have a drink.
Despite the victory the Express didn’t look all that great at the plate as they managed only six hits the entire contest. One Express player looked especially dismal and he’ll be buying us all drinks for the upcoming few weeks. Unfortunately he’ll just have to leave his money at the door to Sammy’s Place because the youngster is underage and won’t be able to partake in spirits with us.
I speak of course of one Matt Lang. The recently returned collegian jumped right into the Express lineup as the designated hitter in the five hole. To be entirely honest folks, he should have been called the designated whiffer as he fanned four times and never once made contact with a Jeff Smith pitch. Wow, that is quite the long day at the plate, especially since he couldn’t take to the field to try to redeem himself. Oh well buddy, you win some you lose some. You’ll have chances to hit a ball this weekend, I suggest you do so.
I want to take a quick second to clarify that this editorial is all in fun. Matty, we are glad to have you back, we know you’ll get your swing back. Enjoy the ribbing and get ready to go this weekend. Until next time Express fans, peace out from the corner booth.
05MAY08
Throughout the course of a baseball season hitters are going to have hot and cold days. First baseman Andy Balgord had one of the coldest days of his career opening day as he went 0-6 against the Genesee Rebels.
Balgord melted the memories of that cold opener Sunday against Delevan however as he exploded for five hits in five at bats including a home run and a double. Balgord drove in six of the 14 Express runs. For his extraordinary effort at redemption Balgord can join me in the corner booth at Sammy’s place. I’m buying the first round.
Justin Keegan better join us as well as the center fielder continues to pound the ball. Keegan finished 4-5 with a home run and four RBIs. Join me in the corner booth Keegan; drinks are on me all night.
Todd Nabor, despite your lackluster effort against the Blackhawks and your near loss, you still managed to fan 12 Delevan hitters. My friend, for having a ridiculous strikeout per inning ratio you can join me in the corner booth for a drink. Actually, consider yourself invited every week.
I’d like to extend an invitation to recent college graduate Tim Schafer as well. Shaf, you will be most welcome upon your return to an Express uniform as will the rest of the collegiate athletes. As you are the only one of age Tim, you are the only one invited. When the rest of you can grow some facial hair or see your other testicle drop you can join me. Until then, enjoy your kool aid and pixy sticks.
Sammy Bresler has an invitation to join me in the corner booth this week as he some work to do. With Balgord’s homerun, the portly first baseman has gained a nearly insurmountable lead in the home run bet with Jeff Tess. Sammy, my good friend, it’s time to start boot shopping. Tess is going to need it.
If you’ll recall from the first paragraph of this wonderful piece of literature I promised to buy Balgord’s first drink. I will buy the round one no more as he will be responsible for the remaining drinks imbibed by myself and the rest of the Express for his ridiculous base running. Following his fourth hit of the afternoon Balgord was caught sleeping and picked off of first base.
How the hell does this happen? Balgord, you are not fast. Can you even see your feet to know if you are running? Come on Buddha, even with a 90 foot lead you would be gunned down attempting to steal. Even your three foot lead is superfluous. Do not let it happen again. Despite your amazing afternoon at the plate and some solid defensive plays, you are buying the bulk of the drinks in the corner booth. All Express players and any fans that were unfortunate enough to see the thick one “gunned” down are invited as well. He owes you a few drinks I think.
Until next week my captive audience, I’ll be having a few drinks in the corner booth. Join me if you like.
28APR08
On a somewhat cold Sunday afternoon there is nothing better to warm a sportswriter’s spirits than watching his favorite Land O’ Lakes team trounce an opponent. I got to see just that this past Sunday as Todd Nabor once again pitched a gem allowing the Express to dominate Dousman 15-0.
Nabor, of course, went crazy on the mound once more as he fanned 15 Frogs and issued not a single free pass. Nabor took a perfect game into the seventh inning when a tadpole hit a squibber that got passed him and died in the mammoth fluff Dousman was passing off as infield grass. The ball would settle nicely between Nabor and second baseman Tommy Pluess for the Frogs’ lone hit.
Despite the lucky poke, Nabor kept Dousman hitters looking silly all day, earning himself his second seat in the corner booth in two weeks. Great job yet again Todd, drinks are on me.
I think I’ll buy a drink for slugger Tim Salopeck as well. Salopeck erased what would have been a forgettable day at the plate as he smashed a homerun in his fifth at bat. As someone who enjoys the round tripper, this sportswriter feels Salopeck deserves a drink. I’m buying Tim.
You know what? I think I’ll buy a drink for the entire Express offense as they seem to be firing on all cylinders. Good old Sammy Bresler better widen the corner booth so they can all fit though, especially with Keegan packing on a few extra offseason pounds.
The one guy who I think owes me a drink would have to be Jeff Tess. Tess filled in admirably for suspended Andy Balgord at first base, had a good day at the plate and didn’t make too big a fool out of himself. No, my friends, what earned Tess the honor of buying me a drink was his comment to Balgord following the game that the one bag was an easy position to play. Of course it is Jeffrey. When you aren’t playing shortstop the first base position might be one of the easier on the field. You enjoyed solid throws all afternoon from your compatriots, take a turn in Balgord’s shoes however as he tries to snag your errant monstrosities that pass as throws to first. It may not be so easy then my young Padawan learner. Enjoy your day in the sun Jeffrey, but watch your tongue afterwards. Come join me in the corner booth for a drink. You’re buying.
There comes a point in every sportswriter’s life when he has to stand up and say, “How the hell did that just happen?”
I came across such a moment Sunday as I watched Express pitcher and new found slugger Todd Nabor work his way through the game against Genesee.
Nabor, well known for his rigorous off season training regiment, entered opening day at mid season form, fanning 16 Rebel hitters while exploding at the plate with four hits and three runs batted in.
I stood there in awe as Nabor made Genesee hitters look just plain silly, watched my jaw hit the floor as Nabor exploded through the baseball with his mighty hacks. This, my friends, was a truly special performance.
Sure the Rebels hadn’t practiced outside, sure it was the first game of the season, sure Nabor is in better shape than anyone else out there, but this was still a great showing.
Nabor began the game strong on the mound, kept his poise throughout the multitude of Express errors and finished the ninth throwing as hard as he had in the first, if not harder.
Nabor’s performance at the plate was the best I had seen him look, his swing was solid and his approach was as patient and as intelligent as it could have been.
Congratulations Todd, you played a hell of a great game. Way to step up and lead your team to victory on opening day. You my friend, are welcome to join me any time in the corner booth, I’ll buy you a drink.
On the flipside of the coin, there comes a time in every sportswriter’s life when he has to say “How the hell did he look so bad?”
I found myself having several of those moments Sunday as well as I watched four hitter and first baseman Andy Balgord pretend like he know what he was doing on the field.
Balgord, a supposedly solid defender made two errors in the Express opener, one of them costing him the use of one of his fingers for a while.
Balgord also was the only Express batter not to get a hit as the team exploded offensively. What a shame for the four hitter. Pick it up tubby, catch up with your teammates.
Luckily for Balgord players like Jeff Tess, Nabor, Jeb Loth, Adam Wolters and others picked up the slack and got the Express the win. My hat is off to these other guys for their effort; you can join me in the corner booth anytime you want as well. Drinks are on me.
Balgord, please by all means, pull it together. Join me in the corner booth at Sammy’s Place if you want, but you are buying the drinks.
