Timmy Wenzel
DOB: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away
Years of Service: A whole lot
Position: Left out, Manager
Tim enjoys long walks around the infield, Manhattans, lawn mowing, taking stupid photos and playing with his nuts. Oh, and bolts too I guess. The longtime skipper of the Express has sought a Southwest Division championship to the ends of the earth and is nearing the end of his service life. Wenzel has steered his squad to a third place finish for the last six or so years and is tired of settling for the bronze medal. The old man believes this will be the year the Express will finally dethrone Waterford and climb their way to the top of the division. Prior to his stint with the Express Wenzel was a standout in the Mukwonago organization and he will tell you all about it after having a few drinks. Wenzel enjoys flirting with all of the players’ girlfriends and becomes fairly handsy after a couple. To contact Timmy, dial #19 on the Express classifieds line.
Kurt Wenzel
DOB: 1975?
Years of Service: Longer than I have been alive
Position: Third Base
Kurt has been a longtime mainstay in the Express lineup and enjoys woodworking, natural herb gardening, drinking and occasional gambling. The veteran has been linked to a wonderful young woman named Mary but has yet to commit to marriage so may be up for grabs ladies. Kurt has a fiery spirit both on and off the field and loves McDonalds cheeseburgers and boxing, combining the two is one of Kurt’s favorite activities. When not on the baseball field Kurt can often be found at the bar, at the bar, or at the bar. To contact Kurt, dial #1 on the Express classifieds line.
Louie Wenzel
DOB: 2006
Years of Service: 2
Position: Team Mascot, drug sniffing dog
Like his master, Louie enjoys sniffing crotches, having balls in his mouth and licking his own ass. The half breed has been a fan favorite at Express games and provides a distraction from the game when things are not going well on the field. Louie has been romantically linked to a new dog that has been seen around the diamond but like his master has no ring on his finger so he might be up for grabs as well. Any bitches who are interested in getting to know Louie dial #boner on the Express classifieds line.
Adam Wolter
DOB: 1983
Years of Service: 6
Position: Left Field
Adam enjoys leisurely strolls through the woods with his handy shot gun or bow, finger painting, auto parts sales and baking cookies with his soon to be step daughter Chloe. Sweats is currently engaged but his fiancé Crysta is way too good for him and will surely realize her mistake shortly, putting Adam back on the market. The left handed hitter leads the team in homeruns but brings up the rear average wise as he isn’t even hitting Chloe’s weight. Adam is an experienced chef, but all you ladies out there who are vegetarians steer clear as Sweats is a devoted carnivore who kills not just for sport but also for sustenance. Any ladies who are interested dial #24 on the Express classifieds line.
Jeb Loth
DOB: 1986
Years of Service: 4
Position: Catcher, “Catcher”
Despite having as red neck a name as a person could, Jeb has become quite the scholar. For all you ladies, or gentlemen as the case may be, who enjoy an educated man Jeb is seeking his degree in physical education. You know what that means; Jeb likes to get physical, no matter who it is with. Jeb also enjoys cracking skulls at the local watering holes in Whitewater where he functions as a bouncer and male stripper on those days when he’s had too much to drink. Jeb has been seen recently with a beautiful young woman, but this writer did some digging and has come to the conclusion that she might just be a cover up. Some investigative reporting uncovered her love for all things Chicago, the Bears, the Cubs and the assholes. I think Jeb may secretly still be looking for that right “someone” out there. Interested? Dial #22 on the Express classifieds line.
Tim Schafer
DOB: 1984
Years of Service: 2
Position: Pitcher
Schafer enjoys country music, big trucks, sleeveless shirts and Mohawks. The Elkhorn native brings a fine sense of humor to any occasion, provided that he is drunk. Ladies looking for in depth conversations with some meaning to them need look elsewhere as Schafer is not as mysterious as he might think. I’m not saying he’s as dumb as a box of rocks folks, but he’s as dumb as a box of rocks. What you see is what you get here ladies, I would ask for my money back. He is a veteran and currently active in the Air Force Reserve so ladies who like a man in uniform might look him up. Schafer is seeking a career in law enforcement so you know he enjoys the bondage like there is no tomorrow. Anyone hoping to get a look at his night stick need simply dial #00 on the Express classifieds line.
Tim Salopeck
DOB: 1976
Years of Service: 14
Position: Outfielder, Fluffer
Sally enjoys long walks on the beach, horseback rides at midnight, cocktails on the veranda and giving the occasional hand job. While Sally has been exclusive with his girlfriend Robin for some time, we all know the fire has flamed out of the relationship as Robin will surely move on soon. The rejection will leave Sally in a depressed state that might have him questioning his sexuality. Again. This emotionally defunct state will leave Sally open to the advances of even the most voluptuous of women, no one will be denied. Ladies, if you are desperate, get in touch with him. Men, if you are desperate, get in touch with him. Now folks, I’m not saying that he’ll put out, but he will put out. Sally is a veteran and active in the Reserves as well, though if they ask the right question he might be out of the program. Tim is a homeowner and works with his hands so you know he might have some skills. Anyone looking for a marginal lay with little chance for satisfaction, dial #15 on the Express classifieds line.
Jimmy Tontillo
DOB: Yesterday
DAYS of Service: 2
Position: He plays?
Jimmy is young, dumb and full of …….shit. The wanna be rapper has made some waves in the Express organization as he found success early on in fill in duty. Jimmy enjoys partying with Kool Aid, going to Chuck E Cheese’s, and driving with his learner’s permit. Tonto is one piece of the puzzle that will form the future of the Express and he likes to tag along with the veterans in an attempt to soak in their knowledge. In his spare time Jimmy goes to day care and plays with the nifty colored building blocks as he prepares for a failed career in architecture. Seriously ladies, Tonto will show you a fine time, provided you pay and don’t try to go to R rated movies without his dad. Anyone looking to steal Jimmy’s virginity dial #25 on the Express classifieds line.
